Walking the race

I remember one day, in my teenage years when my dad gifted me with some knowledge about myself. I laughed at his observation because it didn't seem like a compliment to be called 'a plodder!' Seeing my confusion he clarified and said something like this, "when others run ahead into things you are consistent and just keep going." I think he said something about having a quiet confidence and after that, I was satisfied he hadn't just insulted me! :)

My teenage years have been long left behind me but here I am at 32 years old, 37+ weeks pregnant, still plodding along - currently walking the treadmill because my actual running days have left me for a while too. 16 years after that conversation and I am still encouraged by my dad taking the time to share his thoughts with me. All these years later I am still walking the race and I'm ok with that. 'Slow and steady....,' I've got the slow bit down, but the steady doesn't come to me naturally. Being blessed with a currently over active and somewhat overwhelmed set of emotions I find I need to seek out refuge in the storm. Too often these nights and mornings I find myself awake in the wee hours, every time running back in the arms of my Heavenly Father. 

I still have questions unresolved. I'm not into blind faith. Eyes to see, ears to hear and patience to be taught and grow in understanding are what I long for. I'm pretty sure I left most of my stupid complex back on the graduating stage with my nursing degree in hand and 10 years of carrying that word around my neck, on the floor behind me. Still, I cannot compare any facts or head knowledge I may or may not possess to the incomparable knowledge and wisdom of the creator of heaven and earth, made available to us if we just ask. James 1 :5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

In the arms of my Father, my doubts and fears and hurts and uncertainties are exchanged for the indescribable peace, comfort and joy that I cannot provide myself. It is there I will renew my strength, because I am weary, and head into the storm again.

I look up toward the hills.
From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the Lord,
the Creator of heaven and earth! As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. 

Psalm 121:1-2, Psalm 71:14

Richer in Heart

Shop owner, "Are those ALL your babies?!"

I laugh and confirm they're all mine.

Shop owner, "Are you rich?"

Me, "No! I'm rich in heart though."

He paused and put his hand on his heart as he considered that phrase. 

"Rich in heart," he said quietly, "rich in heart, I like that very much..."

This is a conversation I had with a man some weeks ago, that I hope will never leave my memory. It seems like a good place to set the scene for a story that begins in Sunny France almost a year ago. 

We had arrived early to the missionary conference that Jason had travelled to for many summers with his mom and siblings. This year he was returning as a man with his own family of four small children. Our family was complete with two boys and two girls, and as we fumbled around the car making sandwiches and stretching our legs after the long hot drive, another vehicle pulled up beside ours. The man and wife started out of the van, introducing themselves and welcoming us. I noticed their van full of suitcases and faces and tried to count how many kids this fellow mama had hidden in there. They introduced the smiling and well mannered children in their van. "Five children!" I remarked, pleased to have a similar number and I was certain we'd become friends. "Yes, this is five of them, the other three aren't here this year." 

"Eight children," remarked Jason this time (we are mathematicians.) I shot him a warning look, recognising the hopefulness in his eyes and reminded him sternly, "FOUR children, Jason." I held up my fingers to reveal 1,2,3,4 - just incase he hadn't understood my limitations. The conversation shifted to the practicalities of where to check in and locating a pool to cool off in and we never did discuss family size with them or why they had chosen to have so many. 

Something happened that week. A series of events that started further back, when I started to obey - really obey - as God asked me to hand over certain areas of my life to Him. I got stuck at this same area every time, point blankly refusing to hand over how many children I would have. As far as I was concerned, I had gone beyond my duty already. I had four in a world where one or two is supposed to be plenty. I had survived the looks and typical rude comments about getting a TV or knowing how to 'stop that' as if children were an accidental inconvenience. We do, of course, get encouragement and compliments from strangers too, but for some reason those negative remarks survive longer in my memory. 

After a week long, amazing conference filled with excellent teaching and precious friendships we set off on our way to Switzerland for a work conference that Jay had to attend. The car was full but quiet, only for the sound of the CD playing, as we drove though the beautiful mountain roads. The words in the song were the final straw to my already weakening resolve, as they gently dissolved every reasonable remaining thought as to why this area could not be released....and then I began to cry, as I accepted two names from the Lord for our future children and surrendered as the words of the chorus washed over me along with my tears.

"Be strong in the Lord, and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things. I already know, that God's got his hand on you so don't live your life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here. Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say."

- Sidewalk Prophets, 'The Words I Would Say'

I handed over the fear of having disabled children, knowing I was blessed to have four healthy kids. I gave up the anxiety that cripples me over weight gain in pregnancy and being terrified of facing labour again. I gave up the, "what will people say about us?" I surrendered financial concerns and stopped my repeated question, "how will I cope?" I offered my fear that I will be tired foreverrrrrrr...an absolute possibility, and resigned my confusion as to why He would want me to have more children when I knew others who were desperate to have just one child. I still have no explanation on that, except that I know it is not because of anything I deserve. God has absolutely seen every single daily and hourly failing I commit as a parent so there's zero evidence to suggest I would be trusted with more because I'm so good at parenting! It's simply not the truth.

Poor Jason hadn't noticed my quiet cascade of tears until he caught sight of my red and swollen eyes and heard my stifled shudders of breath. He looked concerned and then smiled gently (while carefully manoeuvring the roads, cos he's awesome like that) as I explained the battle that had been going on all week and the result and most recently the names I had been given and what they represented. We talked and cried (mostly me...ok yes, just me) and rejoiced in obedience and the hope of plans for good that God promises us. (Jeremiah 29:11)

It just so happened that we had opportunity to stay a couple of nights with the family of 10 from the start of the story while making our way back to the ferry to Ireland. Dear Jennifer got the whole story in one go, and we finally had opportunity to hear their journey of how they ended up travelling the path of trust and surrender before us. It was a God ordained visit and one I will always remember as one of those pivital times in my life.

On we journeyed back to Ireland, cracking the cars sump on a low speed bump and leaking oil all over the ferry. We prayed together that night as we looked towards a long day of tow trucks and exhaustion. The next morning we woke to Grace's smiling face as she asked, "are you excited to see what Jesus will do today to help us?!" Shame on me, I wasn't. She was full of hope based on the Bible story I had told the night before. She heard the Word and believed it, as I silently prayed for God to prove Grace's faith and work despite my lack. Somehow, the car started. Miraculously, the car didnt explode as we made it to the first petrol station purely on the hope of a God who can be trusted. A God who works miracles and does things that aren't logical, in ways I'll never understand. And it's a good thing too because He has given us something else. Someone who will make us richer in heart. Little Von Meding number 5, the one I wasn't going to have, will be blessing us with their presence in January. Here on the other side of the world. A gift from God despite my failings and doubt. A miracle knit together in my womb, how every child begins. For no child is anything short of a miracle and a gift. 

As we start these first weeks and months the doubts and fears I gave up are starting to whisper again, as if they have permission to be here or belong in this heart. They do not. By God's grace I will see them transformed into faith and hope and love and freedom. Because God does that like no other. From the burnt ashes of my offerings to him, beauty will rise. To Him be the Glory!

Return to me

Return to me

Return to me with fasting.
Fast from all that distracts
and steals you away from me.

Return to me

Return to me with weeping.
Awake, and weep for what has been lost.
Weep in the shield of my arms,
my beloved.

Return to me

Return to me with mourning.
Do not rend your garments for
I do not require your shame,
but your exposing.

Return to me

Rend your heart, tear away the mantle.
It can not protect, only harden.
It can not heal the crevices chiseled
or hide the lies engraved.

Return to me

I will remove this heart of stone
and offer you a heart of flesh;
a whole heart bound up
and protected by my law of love.
I will inscribe upon it true things.

Return to me

For I am the LORD your God.
I will not hasten to anger
but am extravagant in love.

I put before you life,
Wholehearted life.
Return to me
and LIVE.


Joel 2:12-13, John 8:44, Ezekiel 36:26-27, Luke 4:18, Jeremiah 31:33, Matthew 7:12, John 14:6, Deuteronomy 30:6, 16, 19-20, John11:25.

Our homeschool story

I never dreamed we would decide to homeschool our children. It started seemingly by accident. It was December 2007 and I had just felt God calling me out of work as a paediatric nurse. It made no sense. We wouldn't have enough money. I had a good job and Jay was studying full-time at University with only his scholarship money coming in. God has a way of getting his point across and He made it clear and unmistakable that I was to be promoted to stay at home with our two children whether it made sense to me or not.

As the months began to roll in, I grew accustomed to spending more time with my very smart 3 year old and very cute baby girl! I decided not to send Caleb to nursery school. I had just started spending all this time with them and I didn't want to send one to be looked after by someone else while his sister and I were right there at home!

There are people who we have had the privilege of wandering into our lives and impressing us with their parenting long before we were parents ourselves. Some of these wonderful people were homeschooling families. At the time I assumed it was an American thing to do because all three were American. Jason (who himself was homeschooled until age 9) did some research with me and we were pleasantly surprised to find out there were some families in Northern Ireland 'home educating' as they call it. I had the opportunity to meet with some of these mothers and the possibility of schooling my eldest child for his first year sounded reasonable. So we did it.

Caleb flourished in this environment, learning quickly and enthusiastically. He read in no time and had a passion for all things maths and science. I found it easy balancing time with baby Grace and schooling with Caleb.

What I did not expect, somewhat naively perhaps, was the criticism! I'm still not sure what fuels it. I suppose it strikes fear in some that I'm damaging my children by not doing what everyone else does. Perhaps they think I'm not up to the job and will eventually mess it up. I imagine some must believe that my actions are a direct judgement on their choices for their children. Whatever it was, the impression they left was that we were starting something terrible awful, and this was sometimes discouraging.

I should add at this point that there were some who fully supported us and their kindness has not been forgotten. There were also a few who weren't sure we were right in the head but they had the grace to stand with us anyway.

I felt (and still feel) that God led us gently to the path we're now on from day one of calling me out of work. On that particular day one we were in Florida. Next door to the condo we were saying in came a homeschooling family who were good friends with Jason's aunt. They only stayed a few days but as they read scripture and prayed with us they sealed the truth firmly that it was our responsibility to train our children in the way that they should go and for us it fit with this idea of schooling at home.

Two years passed and in September 2011, while travelling on a Ferry, our class gained another pupil, miss Grace! She is a delight to teach. She's smart and eager to do well. A little praise goes a long way with her. She's also easily distracted, so regular twirling breaks are needed (for us both) but she gets the work done and thrives. Caleb regularly has to take himself to another room to read because she does her best and most fanciest writing while singing (her own songs!) She is quite the artist, enjoying every art challenge I set and plenty more that she sets herself in her spare time. Her favourite lessons at the minute are learning to read with daddy.

This September, the rambunctious whirlwind that is Judah will storm the class adding another personality and teaching challenge to the mix while the sweet and determined Sophia Hope tries her best to get involved in whatever the big kids are up to.

Our kids are friends, they like each other! Yes, they still argue sometimes, but then come the moments to treasure where you can see how close they really are, with a random hug/kiss or random act of kindness. Our kids are happy! They have travelled a lot. They have seen poverty first hand so are learning the value of what they do have. They demonstrate better than some adults (myself included) a passion for making a difference for the poor. They are compassionate. They are not embarrassed to pray. They've talked to people of all skin colours, ages, walks of life without apprehension. They are confident. We encourage them to think for themselves, not just do what we do.

You could say they are sheltered...if you mean that they don't know swear words or questionable songs. They don't know what they're supposed to be watching on tv or what the latest 'must-possess-or-you're-not-cool' gadget is. I can live with that.

They don't have 30+ friends of the same age that they see everyday, but they do have friends. In fact they have great close friends. They are learning now what I didn't learn until much later that having a handful of close friends, the kind you keep your whole life is better than having 200 acquaintances. More than this, they are learning how to BE a friend.

They are not your definition of 'normal.' Every child is created extraordinary and we intend to keep them that way.