For many months these ugly thoughts have invaded my head at the most ungracious of moments. I remember all I 'gave up' to be here. I think about the nursing career I might have had. I wonder if I would ever have pursued that Masters degree I had secured a place in. Perhaps I would have been a university lecturer too? People would see what I did. It would have value.
I look around at the mess of toys and clothes and dishes undone. The floor rightly accuses me of not mopping it any time recently and I have curtains unmade and painting to do between school work and entertaining busy preschoolers and feeding a newborn. There is always more to do, even though I have not ceased working since my feet hit the floor today. Everyday.
(I'm nursing Eli as I write this...and then putting him down for a minute to chase down the bin lorry because the bin didn't get put out on time, he sees me, empties it and I wave 'thank you' before catching my breath and typing again...)
Every-so-often I ask Jay of my value. Every-so-often the kids tell me my value, as they see me. I humbly read heavy things in their school work like, "when I'm happy, I tell mummy." "When I feel sad, I talk to mummy." "If I am scared, I go beside mummy." These things aren't exclusive to mums who stay at home with their kids, but don't steal my thunder, this is my value. Isn't it??
Months ago I sat at the side of a swimming pool drinking coffee and willing my very pregnant body to wake up into Monday morning while I watched the kids take their swim lesson and thought about all I had to do at home. Another week of service, another week of exhaustion, another week of work nobody sees.
I see you.
I imagined I heard it through the echoey pool noise. I stopped and listened again to that small voice that whispered despite my exhausted and ungrateful attitude.
I see you.
Right where I sat I began to cry and laugh and cry again as peace filled my heart. (Like I said - I was very pregnant, no one batted an eyelid.) My God sees me and that was enough for that day.
I soon forgot about that moment and continued getting bogged down in service because that's what I do. It's my job and I couldn't work out why I wasn't getting any better or any happier at it. If anything, I found I was correcting the kids more and more. I was repeating myself in frustration and despairing at times, as if I had taught them Nothing about having character and obedience and showing love...even though I spoke those things to them all.the.time.
It took me longer than I care to admit that I was speaking other things louder. Those things made my words clanging cymbals. Big, loud, repeating, clanging cymbals.
For a few months things have been different over here. I've been walking on what feels like shifting ground. All I thought I knew and how I thought my future would look is up for change and I feel uncertain. JJ Heller's lyrics sing in my head, "When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I'll never leave your hands...The hands that shaped the world are holding me, they hold me still." I realised that I never held the future, I never had control of anything in fact! I am guilty of running to God more when I have a problem, or I'm scared, or I'm happy - (like my kids say of me!) Many early mornings and late nights I found myself awake and running to God. I started reading through the Bible start to finish and it was there, near the start, where I met Hagar. Hagar is a lady who lived her life as a slave. She knew what it was to be unloved, used, treated cruelly and ultimately driven out by her mistress and master - whom she was pregnant by. She fled to the desert where we read the angel of The Lord •found her •called her by her name •instructed her what to do and left her reeling in the knowledge, "You are the God that sees me." (Genesis 16)
Many times these past few weeks, I've thought of Hagar. Of all the Hagar's that followed after who had/have a much harder life than me, and yet God finds me, calls me by my name, tells me what to do and leaves me reeling in the knowledge that He sees me too. I didn't get it the first time, but I get it now and I'm writing it down, because I know I'll forget.
Serving without feeling like a servant is not possible. It just isn't. You will, at times, be taken for granted. You will feel like the work never ends (because it doesn't.) You will wonder about the worth of your work, since you may not have any monetary value placed on it. Sacrifice is hard when you're forced to make it, but when you willingly sacrifice it becomes something different. It's an act of love and there is a joy I never thought possible in truly serving in love. Love is a game changer. It's a heart and life changer. It's my value. I want to be measured by how well I love - even when no one else sees me. My God sees me and that's what makes the difference. I love because He is Love.
"Let your light so shine before men (and your children) that they may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven."
