I will never be the same again

For the past few weeks we have been experiencing life without television. I can honestly say that I seldom miss it. At first it was a little odd in the evenings, to have settled the kids into bed, made a cup of tea and then instead of picking up the remote i've been picking up a book. My heart has been convicted, warmed, challenged, made ill by some of the truths I've been taking in.

Most recently, I started to read 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan. Near the start of the book he encourages the reader to put the book down and look up this YouTube clip. I would encourage you to watch it, just so you know where I'm coming from.

The short clip shows in ever increasing distance the known size of our Universe. I'm reeling still at the thought of just how big our God truly is. At the very least, it confirms what my heart has known to be true - that all of creation could not have been an accident.

In the days that followed I mentioned to Jay that I was having trouble perceiving who God is on an intimate level after really acknowledging His vastness. I feel that the Universe must stretch even further than the Hubble telescope's impressive range. This element of who God is has always been known in my head but somehow it doesn't penetrate my heart on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I have begun to wonder how well I really know my Father. I've been seeing these verses in a new light:

Isaiah 55:8-9 8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."

As I've been wondering where to go with this blog, I've almost expected to round it off in a pleasant, "whatta ya know, I've found my intimate relationship again. Now I'm back to normal!"

I am not back to normal.

It seems I didn't pay close enough attention to the verses I cited. In fact last night I felt awakened again by the most uncomfortable of subjects - one that I have no claim to understand. Hell.

A while back I heard of book that was becoming popular that heralded the great news that God isn't going to send people to Hell anymore! As lovely as that sounds I'll just say it scared me that one man could claim he has understood the thoughts of a Holy God and has translated His Word in a way that could lead people in a false security all the way to Hell.

It's making me uncomfortable to write this, perhaps it's uncomfortable to read too. The Bible talks about people who will be sent away from God's presence who call "Lord, Lord!" - people who think they're safe and have their 'get into Heaven pass.' It made me stop and think - really think. How can I make sure I'm not one of those people! How can I be sure of my own eternal destiny?! How can I lead others into hope and faith if there is a chance I am not right with the Creator of the Universe, of all things seen and unseen? This is not a small thing. This is THE thing. Of all the small things and big things going on in our lives right now, this is the only thing that matters. At the end of this life it won't matter what anyone else did. I will be on my own before my God. Our decisions while on earth will determine our eternal life or eternal death.

To be sure to choose life both in Heaven and here on earth I need to do three things. First, believe in the Lord Jesus Christ - that brings me on par with the demons who believe in Him and tremble, so clearly that's not enough. Second, I need to confess my wrongdoings, my sin (what an unpopular word these days!) and claim forgiveness from the one who took the punishment for my sin. The one who defeated death and Hell through serving my death sentence. The one who rose again, who is now alive evermore and seated on the right hand of the Father in Heaven. The Lord Jesus Christ. Thirdly, and perhaps the most looked over, I need to live a life changed by the Holy Spirit living in me. A life of obedience to the commands of my Saviour, a life uncompromised! Number 3 should be the evidence of 1 and 2. To live moment by moment with Jesus, to do good works - not for mans praise - but so people will see the evidence of Christ in me, that my life would bring Glory to God.

So as I come to the end of this blog I have come to a new realisation. I will never be back to normal. I don't want to be back to normal. If I want to move on with Jesus, if I truly desire to know my God more, then I will be changed - daily!

I will never be the same again, Praise God!

Tear stained notebook

I am sitting in our now quiet home. I can see the evidence of what was an action packed weekend everywhere I look. To any visitors appearing today it looks messy, but not to me. I am enjoying picking up the pieces and remembering the faces of those who shared this space.

My brother was teasing me on Saturday, saying that it is always 'an experience' to come to any of our gatherings. I suppose that's true. Jay and I have never fitted easily in one group of friends and as a result we have a wide friend base that looks a little random when we join them all together! I can recall at least six different nationalities represented here - that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is remarkable in a small country such as ours. I'm sure at least 20 children stormed the garden, playing, bouncing, laughing, colliding in a medley of noise and action. My heart was warmed to be an undetected observer as people dear to us got acquainted and shared food and stories together.

I'm enjoying the memories of the weekend. Re-living the running from child care to food serving to setting up games to cleaning spills to nursing (minor!) injuries, making beds for overnight guests, catching up with people, connecting groups of friends together and I find myself silently committing to my Father the needs of all those present and those who I had wished could be present and were missed.

As I navigated the children through this mornings events I found myself in one of those rare moments of being on my own - in the bathroom. I suppose the fact that it's usually a quiet place is what prompted me to leave my notebook there on Friday. In it I have written some of my most heartfelt poems and letters, some song lyrics and words the Lord has given me. I have yet to fill most of it's pages but I did not mind sharing these words with whomever was inclined to read them. I was pleased this morning to notice it had been moved and wondered if anyone had read it.

Opening the book I found what looks like tear stains on one of its pages. Through all of the events of this weekend, this will be the moment I will remember. I'm not sure I'll ever know to whom they belonged, nor do I need to. It was God who asked me to leave the book, it was the Holy Spirit who moved you to tears through these true words. They were meant for you, and lest you forget I will write them here in the hope you believe them and turn to Father God who so desires your attention.

Taken from a song called 'Beautiful' by Mercy Me.

Days would come when you don't have the strength.
When all you hear is you're not worth anything.
Wondering if you ever could be loved,
and if they ever saw your heart they'd see too much.

You are beautiful.
You are made for so much more than all of this.
You are beautiful.
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His. (God's)
You are beautiful.
You are more than what is hurting you tonight.
You are beautiful.

Leave go of the lies that are hurting you. They are nothing in the shadow of the cross.

You are beautiful x

My marriage story

It seems I have always loved Jason Kyle Von Meding. I can barely remember a time when that name did not cause my heart to skip a beat. As I write this I'm smiling to myself because I can see his face smiling at me in my mind's eye. It warms my heart and I feel I love him more now than ever before!

It was 17 years ago when we met, it was in that precious 3 month period when we are both the same age - before one of us becomes older than the other (I'll not say who!) We were 14 years old and the first thing I whispered to my friend when I saw him was, "he's gorgeous! I'm gonna marry him!" As God would have it, I had met his beautiful sister a year before and as we two got reacquainted she told me that boy I had my eye on was her brother. It was a long wait of 7 years before Rebecca's matchmaking resulted in our marriage!

Of course there are many stories I have skipped in between those years, of growing up together, of living as if the world was against us, of being told we were too young to know if we were right for one another. There was a lot of teenage angst mixed with real emotional and spiritual breakthrough and growth. We felt we were grown up enough when we got married at 21 (and 22, as one of us had just had their birthday) so it amused me greatly to find an old journal of mine in which I wrote about our preparation for marriage. I wrote like I did as a teenager! My mum dropped by the next day and I remarked to her, "we were children when we got married!!" She laughingly replied, "yes, I know!" I hope as a parent now myself, I will know when to loosen the reins and let go of my children when, God willing, they allow Him to steer them to the spouse He has planned for them.

My marriage is not perfect, I'm not sure whose is. Occasionally we won't see eye to eye. We get tired. We get frustrated with each other, but early on in our lives together I decided to never go to bed without being reconciled to him. We have had some very late nights after he has given up trying to sleep because I refuse to stop talking until we are friends again! We have been entrusted by God with the care of our four precious babies (already a clue I'll find it hard to loosen ties, given that the eldest 'baby' is now seven!) I can honestly say my description of our lives together is not leaving a gaping hole filled with all the negative stuff we're not supposed to share. Why am I telling you all this? Does it sound as if I am boasting? I really hope not. My point is that in all these experiences we have shared together along this road, God was and is and will continue to be the instigator, navigator and protector of our hearts, joined together. He has been given centre place, in the place of highest honour and our most treasured friend, our guide and our heavenly Father. He laid down the model of marriage between one man and one woman and He chooses to bless those who honour Him in it.

If I am honest with you, I don't know why God extended His Grace towards us. Even when we were not wholeheartedly pursuing Him, He was there. As we struggled through immaturity, we made decisions and took actions we would change now from the clearer position hindsight reveals. We fought together against a step father, to whom we are now fully reconciled - Praise God. We wept together trying to make sense of the real tragedy of loss and feel the aching absence still of Jay's earthly father. A precious man who has been in Glory some 23 years now.

Through the births of our children and nieces and a nephew, through the loss of our siblings' children, born too soon. Watching my father, my first hero, learning how to function as a man gradually losing his sight. Through saying goodbye to dear Grandparents. Through happiness and joy, through heart ache and heart break - God continues to abide in us and through us. He tenderly leads us. He seems to delight in our desire to know Him more. I have been easily distracted by circumstance. I have been easily distracted, period. I was floored, literally dropping to the floor and weeping this week as I felt God say, "I know about these people you are bringing to me, I want you to bring yourself to me!" God is interested in me! God is interested in you! I applaud you if you have read this far. It seems I have a lot to say about my three loves. My God, my husband and the family we three share.

My beautiful heart

It takes all of my courage to title my first ever blog something so grand and confident. The lifting of the veil of my heart has been a relatively new experience for me. You see, my heart is not the old heavy cursed heart I was born with anymore. My heart has been made new, it's clean - spotless in fact! When God looks at me He sees His very own child, justified by faith in Jesus Christ and blameless. To God, my Father, I possess a beautiful heart and I will no longer be ashamed.

If you're beginning to think that you know me - I've wronged you, I've spoken harsh words to you, I'm not so perfect and my heart is the furthest thing from beautiful....I want to be fully restored to you. God does that kind of thing, He's good at it and it pleases Him. I'm realising more than ever the need for truth, my love of all things true. A despising of backbiting of half truth of lukewarmness of compromise. I am striving not to be "a better person" but to be thee person God made me to be. Not the world, sin & circumstance tainted one I had become. God made me. He said that all of creation was good, but...after He created us do you know what He said? He looked at all the good things He had created and upon the addition on man He pronounced it VERY good.

He created us to be good. The Bible says there is no one good but God. How then can we be good? Only through the sanctifying work of the Lord Jesus Christ (Yeshua) who not only died in our place but ROSE AGAIN! This is the victory in which I live with the Saviour who defeated evil itself so God Himself could look upon me and see good - an attribute reserved for God Himself!

Could it be that we have lost sight of the pure meaning of GOOD, TRUE, LOVE, HOPE, JUSTICE to name just a few? Could it be that we have never understood them? We have settled for the reflection of these attributes and not the real deal. Good is more than a behaviour we expect to see from small children, hope is more than what the world offers, justice is more than laws laid down and poorly followed through by man. In fact, even LOVE in its deepest earthly form, unconditional and all consuming to the point you would lay down your life for another is still only a reflection of the God who does not only possess love but IS love. God is love. It remains the eternal mystery that the God who IS love, is also Holy, Just, the Judge, Healer, Father (there's so much more!) He is the pure embodiment of everything were made to be and through Him all of these attributes should be evident in their original form in us, those who follow Him, who ask of God:

Cleanse my heart, Oh God
Make it ever NEW
Change my heart, Oh God
May I be like You